Stop Being an Over-helpful People Pleaser

There is a people pleaser in all of us. We all do it from time to time – saying yes, being agreeable, self sacrificing to get an approval fix or gain some other advantage. Not every yes, or nice thing we do for someone is out of a people pleasing motive, but when it becomes a regular behaviour pattern, then you know you need to make some changes in your life.

I learnt an important lesson last week. Hubby and I gave a gift to a purchaser early on in a formal contract of sale, out of fear of losing the sale. From that point on, they continued to come back to us wanting more and more advantage, right up to the last 12 hours before payment was due.

I was left wondering how we had invited such grief until I realised that we had literally become a people pleaser out of fear. We had what I call, given someone illegal inroads into our life, because of our wrong motive. We had opened a door; they had taken us for a soft touch and so kept pushing for more, even to the last minute. Essentially it was intimidation. However, when your motive for doing something is right, this will almost never happen.

People pleasing is based on a fear of not being liked or missing out on something. It is also somebody you can become because of coming under the constant intimidation and control of another person, when you feel there is no escape. You will do what needs to be done to keep the peace and stay safe.

People pleasing is mostly an indicator of some area of low self esteem and lack of confidence.  It may be related to only one area of your life e.g. finances, social gatherings, specific types or groups of people, home or work and so on. I have met very few people I would say were totally immersed in their people pleasing personality. Usually these people are very difficult to have around, and at this point either present with a totally fake personality or they eventually become very isolated.

People Pleasing Symptoms

Here’s a list of people pleasing symptoms. Remember we are rarely many of these.

1. Become a doormat and always feel used and walked over.
2. Afraid of hurting others feelings
3. You believe your less than everybody else
4. Overly helpful and ‘nice’
5. You can always be counted on to say yes, get something done, be there etc
6. Don’t take honest credit when it’s given and will let others take it.
7. You rescue people because you want to be liked and needed
8. Afraid of letting others down
9. Constantly apologise
10. Rarely ask for or accept help for you
11. Hate confrontation
12. Allow others to choose for you
13. Deeply impacted when you find out someone doesn’t like you
14. You crave attention and easily fall for flattery
15. Do things out of a sense of duty rather than desire
16. Try to keep the peace and everyone happy
17. Become a dumping ground for others’ misery (think of the girlfriend who spends hours moaning about her life to you).
18. Over-accommodating to the point of self sacrifice (remember it’s about motive)
19. Change your personality to fit in (give over your own identity)
20. Will neglect your loved ones just to be around people who can give you an approval fix
21. Tend to be a perfectionist because you don’t want people to be angry or disappointed with you
22. Easily talked into things and struggle to say no and put boundaries in place, often present as overbusy

Some of the Effects of Being a People Pleaser

Becoming a people pleaser will emotionally and physically drain you and at worst destroy your relationships with loved ones. If you’re in business – how is it affecting your business? Are suppliers and customers easily able to take advantage of you.

You open the door to being easily intimidated, controlled and taken advantage of, which eventually will cause resentment and hatred to rise up inside of you. Deep down you know that you are not in control of your own life and have no idea what your true personality and identity is – primers for huge stress and depression.

There Is a Way Out of This

1. Recognise that you have choices and you are entitled to make choices and live your life in a way that is free of fear.
2. Learn how to set values, priorities and boundaries for your life and your relationships.
3. Delay saying yes. Simply say ‘can I think about that and get back to you’. Then look at the request closely and why you should say yes or no. What is your motive for saying yes, and why should you say no. Are you being manipulated or intimidated.
4. Put limits on the help you will give e.g. I can spare you 4 hours or I’m only available for phone calls before 8.30 pm in the evenings.
5. Learn to be assertive – it is a powerful weapon against people who want to take advantage of you.
6. Don’t give yourself excuses for saying yes.
7. Stop saying sorry. I used to do this all the time. It’s a very bad habit and can be broken. Examine what it is you said sorry for. Did it warrant it? Was it actually your fault?
8. Start by changing small things – like saying sorry.
9. Don’t fear the consequences of not being a people pleaser. Changing this only brings healthier relationships. I know this to be true from my own experience. People are more likely to despise you when you are a walk-over.
10. Positive self-talk and celebration. Affirm the decisions you made when you decided not to be a people pleaser. Congratulate yourself for saying no, making it through a whole day not saying sorry, or for being firm with a supplier or employer. Keep a journal of your victories.
11. Focus on what is going well and has gone well. That shows you are making progress. It is one step at a time.
12. If you are deeply immersed in people pleasing behaviour you may need to see a counsellor of some kind, or if there are one or two behaviours that need to change see a behavioural or transformational coach to help you.

Building your confidence and self esteem and gaining victory over these behaviours will substantially change your life forever. Take one thing at a time, celebrate who you are becoming and begin by setting some small boundaries around your life. After all it is your life, and not theirs’.

Take care

Fiona D

p.s. being a people pleaser will stop you from achieving your dreams and goals, because essentially you are helping someone else achieve their’s. If you have some people pleasing behaviours that need to change, then I can help.