Healing Your Self Esteem Part 1

I wanted to get real about the journey of healing our self esteem, because there are so many fluffy, make-it-sound-easy quick fixes on the internet. Of course there is truth in most of it and it is all helpful, but I’m a rubber-hits-the-road kind of gal and I’ve discovered that true commitment to change comes when a client understands the fullness of the effort and courage it will take them to grow. This blog is written out of my own journey to healthier self esteem and of course does not cover everything. As there is so much content to this subject I am going to spread it over two blogs.

***The very first thing I want to say is that if you are in any kind of abusive relationship that is destroying your self esteem please get help or talk to someone you can trust. I also acknowledge that many of us women end up in some very dark places within ourselves or our circumstances, and we are not always able to pull ourselves out of that place without help or medication***. 

It wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s that I really began to consciously work on growing my self esteem. The inspiration to do that came from work mates who assumed I had more confidence and self esteem than I actually did. That coincided with a reality check about who and what I was becoming. It kind of gave me something to live up to on the inside. The most powerful thing you can do to lift someone’s self esteem is to believe the best about them and love them back to life. That means looking past the behaviours they use to create self protective walls and gently loving them unconditionally.

Growing our self esteem is not an overnight journey, it can take many years of small steps forward and also comes with experiences, challenges we have gone through and overcome, and lessons we have learned. No one ever has perfect self esteem, regardless of who it is, so be kind to yourself. It has taken me 28 years to come to a place of feeling good about myself and yet there are still areas I would like to be more confident in. It is a journey, a process – it is being human.

Let’s start on a positive note. These are some of the changes that happened for me as my self esteem grew.

Benefits of Growing Your Self Esteem

1. I began to gain vision and purpose for my life
2. I was more easily able to resist peer pressure
3. My thought life was kinder to me and quieter
4. My life felt lighter, more enjoyable and free
5. I had less fear in my life
6. I realised I got to decide who and what kind of person I wanted to be
7. My sense of self identity grew clearer over time
8. I made better choices that created better outcomes that opened healthier doors
9. I was socially more likeable
10. People began to pay attention to me when I spoke
11. I began to be able to see life from other people’s perspective
12. My life became less focused on me and had room for others. I slowly overcame a victim mentality.
13. I handled conflict better
14. I handled stress better
15. I had more emotional control and maturity
16. My reactions and behaviours towards others were more positive
17. I felt more comfortable joining in conversations
18. I became more confident about trying new things
19. Learnt that I was more courageous than I realised
20. Learnt that people I thought were essential to my life were dragging it down
21. Learnt to stop controlling people and situations

What It Took For Me To Grow

For me it was getting to the point where I didn’t like the person I had become and recognising that I was on a downward track leading to goodness knows where. I hated the things I was doing, hated the loneliness, and hated the circus that was going on in my head. (If you are experiencing moderate to severe depression or other mental health challenges you may need to seek some professional help first. However any small victories in building your self esteem will always make you a stronger person).  So these are some of the keys to bringing change my life:

1. I had to dig deep and find courage I didn’t think I had.
2. Be determined that I was going to press forward no matter what opposition I felt internally or externally
3. I had to forgive myself and others for a lot of stuff. This isn’t easy and can take some time. It also means denying yourself the indulgence of revisiting negative memories without moving on from them.
4. I had to cut some things and people out of my life.
5. I had to be prepared to take courage and stop trying to protect myself emotionally (walls we hide behind).
6. I had to start from a point of believing that most people didn’t think bad of me, and they aren’t staring at me every time I went out, or laughing at everything I said.
7. I had to take the time (sometimes through painful memories) to examine where the lies I believed about myself and the belief systems I was running my life from, originated, reject those that weren’t real, and process those that were.
8. For me personally, it was recognising that I needed someone outside of myself that was bigger than I was and who was on my side. For me that was coming to a place of allowing God access to my life because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own.

This process isn’t easy. There were many hours of loneliness as I chose to cut off destructive relationships, hours of crying, quite a few pity parties along the way, choosing to connect with people who valued me and could help me and hours of pouring out my heart to God who I knew was listening unconditionally.

Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY!

In Part 2 we will look at the practical things I did to build my self esteem.

Now I don’t want to leave you with all the heavy stuff, so here are some positives I’ve discovered about my world.

• There are many genuine, loving people in the world who believe in you and care about you, even if they are strangers
• If someone wants to give you a loving hug, embrace it
• There is always hope
• There are some amazing people out there who would love to be in your life

Take care of yourself

Fiona

p.s. you might also like to read http://fionadee.co.nz/lies-that-destroy-our-self-esteem/