Girl – Girl Bullying is NOT OK!

Imagine this. You’re walking home from school and one of the popular girls in school that everyone thinks is an angel, including her mother, is standing on the street corner yelling at the top of her voice that you are a whore (which in this case was so far from the truth to be laughable). It still cut very deep and is not easily forgotten. 

Imagine this. You walk into your classroom and wonder why everyone is looking and sneering at you. You later find out that one of the class has told a complete lie about you and caused considerable ongoing trouble in your relationships with others. No one will believe you when you tell them it’s not the truth. Now you don’t want to go back into that classroom. The impact of this, is that you now want to give up on your dream of qualifying for a career.

Imagine this. Your friends commit to helping you celebrate a special occasion you’ve taken time to organise, then one by one they drop out because something else is more interesting. No apologies, no consideration. You’re left feeling like a pile of s***!

The examples could go on and on. I’m sure you have some from your own teenage years.

This is bullying, this is intimidation, this is soul and self esteem destruction. Somewhere along the way these girls thought it was okay to behave this way to another human being, let alone another girl. 

I’m writing on this subject, because deep down I’m am storming mad. It might confront you. You might get mad at me. This is raw, written out of anger, frustration and sadness.

This week I saw the destruction to a young woman’s self esteem and the danger to her future, because one girl decided to believe a lie from someone else, and spread it around. What she did is having ongoing negative consequences on another girl’s future.

Don’t Tell Me It’s Teenage Girl Stuff

A lot of people would say, ‘oh well this is just teenage girls being teenage girls’, or maybe ‘she should choose better friends’ or ‘she should harden up’ or any other excuse. My response to that is BOLLOCKS!  I now have two young adult daughters. They went through stuff like this. It breaks any mother’s heart when she sees what this type of bullying does to them.

EMOTIONAL BULLYING IS NOT OK!

Now I understand that many young woman have mitigating circumstances in their lives. Life is tough at the best of times. Parents spend long hours working, blended families, sole parent families, financial stresses, drugs, alcohol, sexual abuse and physical violence are realities for a lot of our girls these days. It’s tough out there.

BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY we have to change this culture that surrounds our girls. We have to teach and model to them a different way. Bullying is intimidating and leaves it’s victims often feeling powerless to respond. It can cause our girls to withdraw into themselves, isolate themselves, and spend hours blaming themselves because somehow they are not measuring up. It even leads to the tragedy of suicide.

WE NEED TO TEACH OUR GIRLS to respect and have empathy for others. Huge ask. I know. Huge topic. I know. But someone has to start somewhere.

Those of us with girls under 10 – you can start now.

What Are The Contributing Factors

We need to ask ourselves ‘where are our girls getting the message from that this kind of behaviour is OK?’  We need to put ourselves in their shoes and ask if we would tolerate this kind of abuse from others.

Are they learning it from us. What are we modelling to our kids in the way we treat our friends, talk about people we know, and resolve our differences with people? How do they see us respond to bullying and intimidation?

What language are we using to our kids. Is it affirming or derogatory. Are we calling them stupid, ignorant, lazy, useless, a little b****h or b***t**d (and I’ve heard even worse).

Sometimes we are so broken ourselves, but we’re doing the best we can. I understand that. Please make sure that you and your kids are safe. It’s okay to ask for help.

How Can One Person Possibly Make a Difference

It is so hard in such a broken world full of broken people to see how we could even make a difference.

One of my core beliefs is that one person can make a difference to one person’s life. One smile to a stranger can change their day. One kind word to a child can boost their self esteem. One encouraging word to a struggling single mum can help her through the day. A family that positively models to other families around them tells them their is hope for their family too.

What Are Your Kids Watching?

Shortland Street, Pretty Little Liars, Home and Away, Harry Potter. (You’re probably laughing at me right now but that’s okay I’ve got my big girl pants on). This is just a selection of TV programs that our girls watch – they are not even the worst of what they could and do watch.

Now I understand that they are not necessarily reality. Some would even say they’re just stories. On one level that is true. But let’s look at it from this point of view.  Your 10 year old daughter is watching these programs and what is being modelled in front of her are these behaviours.

Manipulation, control, gossip, lies, unhealthy secrets, disrespect, continual conflict, personal put downs, bullying, one evil being used to justify another, unhealthy peer pressure, unfaithfulness in relationships, lack of commitment to others, bed hopping etc etc etc. (and that’s just Shortland Street)!

‘This is just life’ you say – yes it is. But is it the kind of life you want your daughters to live everyday? You see when this life is role modelled to them they grow up thinking it’s okay to treat people like this. THAT IS NOT OK!

Kids Don’t Look for Wrong Behaviours, They Accept What They See

My daughters wanted to watch Pretty Little Liars – they pressured me. So I said okay, but if you see behaviour in the program that is not the way you would want to be treated, then you will stop watching it. So we watched a couple of programs together, and we talked about it afterwards. The really interesting thing was that they didn’t see any wrong behaviours until I questioned them. ‘What about when Susy (sorry I can’t remember the character’s names) said this to Jane?’ Was she being kind, encouraging and respectful? You get the idea. The scary thing was that they accepted it as normal behaviour without questioning what they were seeing and hearing. Garbage in, garbage out!

Teach Them A Different Normal

Let’s teach our girls this is not normal. These are not healthy, self esteem building relationships. Teach them to put themselves in other people’s shoes – grow empathy and sympathy in them. Teach them to really look at what they are seeing around them and really listen to what people are saying, and then to choose the conversations, the actions, the choices and the friends that are uplifting, positive and life building.

Teach them how to handle the conflicts, the put downs. Teach them about themselves – their strong points, their value as a human being, how being beautiful on the inside is more important than what is on the outside, build good character and integrity into them. Our words – the way we speak to them has a lot to do with that.

Teach them strategies for difficult situations. Teach them how to walk away, how to say No. Teach them personal safety.

Teach them it’s not OK to ever be abused emotionally or physically.

Teach them it’s OK to tell someone and to ask for help.

Did I make you mad? Good. This blog is really an awareness raising post to get you thinking. Because you can make a difference. If not to your own daughter/s, then perhaps her friends. Be a safe person for them. Be a listener and genuinely care about what is happening in their lives. Build up their self esteem. Value them. Love them. They may not have someone who does that for them. You may never know what a difference that will make to their futures.

FionaD

******For further reading and help here is an article with some more indepth information and strategies.******

7 Powerful Steps to Advance Your Destiny – Free E Book